There is something about TV theme songs that are just addictive. Whether it’s when you were a child and looked forward to your favorite Saturday morning cartoon theme song to start…or when you’re at the rugged age of 25 and can’t wait to come home, turn on your flat screen HD television, open the DVR menu, and watch the opening recorded seconds of your favorite show.
This column is going to be more of a loosey-goosey type of blog, where I’m going to go to YouTube, put in a random TV show I like, and watch/listen to the theme song…and just click around from the links I’m given and basically share my thoughts. Maybe I’ll do 3 theme songs…maybe 5…possibly 10, but without a fuckin’ doubt, do not expect me to do 20 theme songs. I just don’t have the time…and to be honest, I find it personally rude and appalling that you expect that out of me, what the fuck is wrong with you? Am I here to amuse you?
Oh, well … still, how about we keep it between 3 – 10 and see where that gets us, okay?
No!? You got a lot of fuckin’ nerve reader…yeah you, I can see you. With your medium length brown hair. Your polka dot shirt. Probably wearing some Mickey Mouse red slippers. Probably named Jennifer or something. …
What? I’m not allowed to have female readers? Fine, fine…this bit has gone on too long already…ON TO OUR FIRST THEME SONG!
Ahh, Full House. Let me just first come out in the open and admit…I like the song. I especially love the older seasons when the song plays on for like 3 minutes, something that would NEVER happen today on TV. Just the song and the melody is very Full Housey. Laid back…mellow…easy going…no real rift…just like a episode of Full House. One thing that caught my eye watching the intro was… the character introductions. They just seem so weird. Every show has them, that one image of your character that is juxtaposed with their real names just so you don’t get too confused, cause you’re a fuckin moron if you think you can come up to Bob Saget and call him Danny. No…no!
But those introductions to each character is hilarious for so many reasons…
First of all…starring? This is the Season 7 of Full House here, so maybe I’m forgetting something, but did people really tune in every week cause they were dying to know what was happening with the rock n’roll playing, Elvis-obsessed Greek? And who really plays a fuckin’ guitar like that in the middle of the park unless they have a hat in front of them and are looking for change. Shame on you Stamos.
Here’s another, “let’s set them in a place that looks like San Francisco.” What the fuck is a man who carried around a puppet, did impressions of 50s cartoons, and had a very unrealistic children’s cartoon show doing hanging out by the bay? Is that really in character? And what is with the combination of the Cosby sweater and the bombers jacket…oh 90’s, how mentally retarded your fashion choices were.
Bob Saget / Danny Tanner
Now raise your hand if back in the early- to mid-90s, you legit thought in 15 years you would grow to see Danny Tanner turn into such a despicable human being? NONE OF YA! I am in the minority where I prefer the Danny Tanner/America’s Funniest Home Video version of Bob Saget. He thinks he can just ride on saying “cunt” and “cum sucker” in his comedy routine, and we will all laugh ‘cause he once upon a time played a anal-retentive neat freak. If they brought him back to do AFHV again, I’d watch.
Candace Cameron / DJ
For some, DJ was your first crush growing up…not me, luckily, I got to watch the Wonder Years and lost my crush-virginity to Winnie Cooper. But if you watch every season intro of Full House, DJ’s intro is the most mind-boggling. She goes from a whiney mullet-having brat into… I have no idea what this is. Name one person that has a stationary bike in their bedroom. But to be fair, her brother is Kirk Cameron…so crazy does run in the family.
Jodie Sweetin / Stephanie
Probably calling up to get some meth.
Mary Kate & Ashley Olsen / Michelle
I always loved that it took a few years before anyone realized Michelle was played by twins. Didn’t help the fact how they put their names on the screen to make it look like Mary-Kate Ashley Olsen was one big name, instead of separate names. Oh well…either way, can you really watch this show anymore and be enamored by their cuteness without thinking how they grown up to be cunty ‘lil fashion snobs?
Andrea Barber / Kimi
I care so little about her that I am not even looking up if I spelled her character’s name correctly. One thing I never understood is how she and DJ were friends…or why anyone didn’t just murder her from the outright. She had horrible, smelly feet. Always barged into their house. Probably had a smelly vagina to go with her busted face.
Lori Loughlin / Becky
I always found the story of Becky to be the biggest downfall in the show’s history. Just think of the downward spiral she suffers. We are introduced to her as a strong, independent woman who is working for a daily morning show. She is smart, she is successful, and she is strong. Then she comes across Danny Tanner and his three-ring circus family from hell. She sadly gets seduced by the man from Greece and impregnated with two retarded children, is force to leave her show because of her “family commitments,” lives in the fuckin’ attic of her brother-in-law’s house and has to deal with the fact she lives with five other people at one time. Never getting a moment to herself. Never getting away from … anyone. She probably thought of killing herself many times.
Scott Weinger / Steve
Look it’s Aladdin.
Dylan and Blake Tuomy-Wilhoit / Retarded Twins
Right behind the twins from Seventh Heaven and right ahead of the twins from Everyone Loves Raymond is where these poor bastards rank in the level of Television Children Retardation.
…I know I said I would do 3 – 10, but i just got really lazy now after doing that whole Madden style break down on the character intro’s. But for reals…the Full House theme song is pretty great throwback music if you ever just want to remember what being alive in 1991 was all about.