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Incoming…Incoming…Incoming…

2016….New Content…Same Old Rambling words.

…be prepared!

…or not. Or just go on living your life. Its your decision man, do what you feel.

….or woman. I’m not sexist.

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The Jersey Critic: Season 2!~

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As you could tell, my last post coming days after Hurricane Sandy back in October of 2012, it has been FIVE months since I have updated this blog.

Now that isn’t for a lack of ideas, I always have ideas to keep this place busy and speak about, plenty of top ten lists I want to do and I have seen LOADS of films since Paranormal Activity 4.

But it was more of a personal break than professional one. But this isn’t a blog about my life, it is a blog about films, television, comics…and prostitution. At least that’s what the original tag line was to the blog.

So consider this the Season 2 return of The Jersey Critic, more features, more posts, maybe even some surprises. But don’t hold me to that. I aint no magician, I can’t even user proper grammar. Did you see that use of “aint” before, less surprises from me, the better.

Oh and if you are reading this somehow and AREN’T subscribed to this blog, shame on you. SHAME! SHAME! SHAME!

Next Blog Post: G.I Joe Retaliation or How I lived Through The Oscar Season and Now Can’t Wait for the Summer Blockbusters!~

Top 10 … Horrible Sequels!

*If there is one thing I love more than talking about movies, its making lists ABOUT movies…or anything in general. No greater good in this world (bar my g/f) gives me more pleasure than an awesome top ten list.*

#10 –– Ocean’s 12

The first movie, Ocean’s 11, was fun, stylized, cool, enjoyable and light hearted all rolled into one gorgeous little package with the likes of Clooney, Pitt, and Damon staring in the film. It a big cast full of big names that really felt like anyone was bigger than the other, since the movie was all about the story. It was fun…the sequel, Ocean’s 12 was one of the biggest ego boost films ever put to film. Every star got a nice Italian vacation and sat on set and gave barely there performances where the only heist was that I paid 8 bucks to see that movie in the first place. Ocean’s 13 was better, but still never touched the heights of the first movie.

#09 –– Any Sequel to a Jim Carrey Movie!

Lets put it this way, back in the 90’s and early part of the ought’s (aka 2000’s for you un-hip people), Jim Carrey was funny. Now a days, he is more of a shell of his former self when it comes to comedies, but still a solid actor when it comes to dramas. But during his magical run of 1994, Carrey starred in THREE big pictures that made his career. Ace Venture: Pet Detective, Dumb & Dumber, and The Mask. All of those movies got a sequel, as did Carrey’s 2003 hit, Bruce Almighty. What do all these sequels have in common? 3/4ths of them don’t have Jim Carrey in them and Ace Venture 2 was an abortion of what made everything about the original film great and hilarious. While Bruce Almighty isn’t a all time classic, it still was funny…which I guess the sequel, Evan Almighty thought was useless, since they never once tried to put a single joke in their 200 million dollar bomb. And please just never mention Son of the Mask or you will be cursed by horrible Jamie Kennedy “comedy.”

#08 –– Cars 2

This is on this list, not just because the sequel didn’t live up to the fun and story of the first film, but because on Pixars first failure of its history, it was done on a grand scale. Instead of doing what they always did and make a film that wasn’t just for kids, but for the whole family, children and adults…Pixar went against their way and just made a commercial for merchandise. I am 25 years old and when I came out of Cars 2 I had no idea in what happened at all, but all the little kids wanted to go and buy the newest toy cars from the film. Pixar for one film, sold out and that alone deserves ranking on this list.

#07 –– Star Wars – Episode 1: The Phantom Menace

The reason this isn’t higher or number one is because…it’s been done to death. Episode 1 is bad, it’s boring, and there is nothing to take away from the film besides Darth Maul under the positive column. I remember when the film came out and I was as excited as anyone to see it first day and I did…and then 45 minutes into talking about midichlorians for the hundredth time I fell asleep and woke up just before the final act and …I’m pretty sure that is the last time I saw that film. Really hope I don’t get dragged to see it again in 3D, cause really…wasn’t Jar-Jar enough in 2D?

#06 –– Men in Black 2

Another sequel that took everything that was great about the first film and then ignored it and did what they THOUGHT the audiences wanted and should want in a sequel. The first film was about chemistry between Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones. It was about the exploration of alien life in New York City and focused on one pissed off bug. The second movie had Johnny Knoxville with two head and Laura Flynn Boyle as our bad guy…yep, the same chick that could be broken in half with a gust of wind was sending our heroes into misery with her EVILNESS!!!~ MiB2 sucked so bad, everyone basically apologized for its existence, here’s hoping MiB3 makes up for it.

#05 –– Mortal Kombat: Annihilation

I stand by the theory that Mortal Kombat is the ONLY good video game into movie adaptation made. It had the spirit of the film, a nicely kast of kharacters (see what I did there?) The story was simple, the fights were fun and the dialogue was so silly and over the top, it felt like videogame dialogue. So how do they fail in the sequel? They re-cast everyone but Lui Kang and Kitana. They turn Raiden into a wimpy mortal. They cast the worst Vin Diesel ripoff as Shao Khan and worst of all…THEY KILLED JOHNNY CAGE!

#04 –– Batman & Robin

Now here is a bit of controversy…I like Batman Forever. Two-Face was over the top and didn’t follow the characteristics of his comic-book counterpart. The Riddler played more like The Joker than a conniving mastermind. Robin was in college and still in the circus for some reason. And Gotham city was turned into a neon light city. But with all that, the film was still enjoyable…Batman & Robin was not. Not even in “It’s so bad, it’s funny” category. I remember watching it when I was a kid and recently and just thinking that I’m SUFFERING through this film, not watching it. Clooney was horrible. Arnie and Uma Therman made probably the worse duel villain combo in movie history and a comic book nerd, they completely ruined the monstrously genius known as Bane. Over 100 ice puns by Mr. Freeze, plus … the Bat-credit card? Come on…just come on.

#03 –– Major League 2

One comment and one comment only…Where the fuck is Wesley Snipes?

 

 

 

 

 

 

#02 –– Every Pirates of the Caribbean Sequel.

There is a common theme amongst the films on this list, where I speak about how the first movie did something very well and very enjoyable and then the sequels shit all over that. Pirate movies have been doing that every since Dead Man’s Chest and the worst part of all, is that everyone has been paying to see them do it again and again. The first movie had a plot, had characters you card about, had action, had rum, and had Johnny Depp in a supporting role. That movie didn’t live or die on Captain Jack Sparrow and that’s the big reason the sequels sucks. Something good in small doses works so much better than, over saturating that something good until it just feels forced and boring. The Pirates sequels are all about Captain Jack in some way or point and basically the filmmakers sold out their original vision to give Johnny Depp and Disney a huge pay day marketed off the dreadlocks and rum drinking Pirate that pretty much made and destroyed a franchise all in one fell swoop.

#01 –– Street Fighter: Legend of Chun-Li

Now the original Street Fighter movie is far from good….it is actually not good at all. Its like they did a random search on the fight screen from a Street Fighter game and just threw names into a script and ignored all characteristics of those characters. So how could it get worse…well with a remake/reimagining/re-whogivesashit sequel like movie known as Legend of ChunLi. First we get a Canadian actress as the fames Asian fighter. We get a blonde hair/blue eyed M. Bison and a Black Eye Pea as the vicious Vega. How could this not be #1? If anything else needed to be said…let me direct you to the best of Chris Klein as Nash…

Anyone there?

First off, let me just say…you would think it be easy to just google search “empty stage” and get a picture that doesn’t have some silly watermark on it…what are people affraid of, that I’m going to steal their image and use it for my own…oops.

Second point…and yes, this will be a list of points for my introduction, cause there is just something so amazing and intreguing about lists. Its cataroized, its numerical, and it gets you excited and nervous as it goes on.

Third point…I know your asking yourself “what was the second point?”, no clue myself, but thought it would be a good idea to quickly jump into another point…

Fourth point…like this! I guess around here I should actually introduce the novel idea of having my own blog, right? Right?…oh wait, I forgot, this is my first post and I have no “followers”, so nobody is reading this. That’s ok, I don’t mind talking to myself.

Fourth point and a half…this blog is my outlet. At the moment I’m working a dead end part-time job and looking for something more fulfilling in my life, but this blog will be my less girly diary of such. Like the title says “Movies. TV. Comics. Prostitution…I can guarantee 3 out of 4.” Three out of those four are my favorite things in the world…and the fourth might actually be a reasonable career choice when I really become scrapped for cash.

Fourth point and three quarters…Sometimes i’ll blab on about whats on (or should be on) Television. Maybe its some recent movie news that got me in a flutter. Or maybe its some geeky comic stuff that sends my fanboy rage into high gear. But whatever it is…it means SOMETHING to me in some way…so I’m going to post it. Deal with it.

Fifth point…Why “The Jersey Critic?”…because all the cool names were taken and when I do put my critical hat on, you will understand why I write the way I speak. Like South Park once said…It’s a Jersey thing!