Stub Review: One For The Money

Fuck you Katherine Heigl.

That is what I love about having a blog, even one that nobody but me reads, because I can say that. You think the great Roger Ebert or whatever hack they have working at Time Out New York can come out and say their true feelings? No. Ebert might say “Your Film Sucks”, but can’t just honestly headline a review by saying that the lead actress should go fuck herself, like I just did.

I start this out by saying I was dragged to this film by my girlfriend. I also amend that I tend to drag my girlfriend to films she hates and would never see if not for dating me, so I deal with seeing the likes of One for the Money, Because I Said So, or even Valentines Day because I take her to a slew of action, comic book, and comedic films she hates equally as well.

But come on…I was going to skip this film as my first foray into reviewing a film on my blog under my “Stubs Review” category, but I said screw it and decided to let One For The Money be my first go ahead.

Do we start with Katherine Heigl not knowing how to keep a Jersey accent going for 90 minutes? One minute she’s from Newark, then she sounds like a bad Soprano’s knockoff, then she is doing the whole Robert De Niro from Mean Streets attitude, all rolled up into one annoying and whorey antagonist.

I read that the writer of the book this film is based on has around 18 books based on this character that Katherine Heigl plays, Stephanie Plum. Now I never read one of those books, they could be hilarious, dramatic, … anything, they could all be really good, but your first leap onto the big screen we go with Heigl as our girl from the Trenton projects? Really?

The story is paper thin in so much that we get five minutes of exposition in why Heigl’s character can’t find work so she decides to be a bounty hunter, because you know how well the last time Heigl playing a role with her as a fish out of water in a violent world turned out…right?

The movies probably plays very close to the book, since there is so much crazy shit that goes on, that I can’t believe the writer just didn’t do a simple copy + paste from the books manuscript to his blank Final Draft page. It gives you an ending that makes you not only want your money back, but a little bit of your IQ, since you most likely than not lost some brain cells from watching this film for over an hour.

I give it … ZERO out of TEN, on the scale of film merit and overall quality.

But give it a decent EIGHT out of TEN, on the scale of holy shit you better get a hand job for sitting through this film with your girlfriend.


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